Friday, June 26, 2009

Million Dollar Baby

So here it is! The professional portrait that everyone (in the family) has been waiting for! My baby boys butt shot! And may I say, what a gorgeous butt it is! He got it from his "one-and-only" Mommy, passed on to me by my deceased blessed grandmother on my father side. I wish I can get paid a million dollars for this butt shot. It will compensate us, and some, for the past couple of months expenditures.

I mean, when it rains it pours! Everything seems to happen all at once! Indubitably, I blame it on karma. It began on an unforgettable evening of 'irreconcilable differences', when my coffee pot shattered into a million pieces, as I placed it ever so gently into the sink. Okay. That's a lie. I flung the fucker into the sink!

Have you ever felt the urge to scream so loud from frustration that it can possibly shatter glass? Well, that's how I felt on that particular evening, and thank God my children were no where near me at the time. FYI, glass shattering from screaming only happens in the movies. But with added 'special effects' and a little imagination, it can be fulfilled and feel so exhilarating! This unusual behavior only happens once in a blue moon. So I don't think it's a problem that needs to be dealt with. I think you're basically a freak if you don't show any type of emotions what-so-ever. I suggest to let it out when needed or you'll be walking around with a bomb stuck up your ass waiting to explode, nor could it be good for your heart. I can't imagine what kind of kitchen appliance I would have laid my vengeance upon if I would have had a bomb waiting to explode.(figuratively speaking)

As I said before, I believe karma has something to do with the sequence of unfortunate events that has happened in the past couple of months. I won't go into any details about the "act" of karma. But I will say that one argument led to another, about family, business, and money, a combination that is most certainly a big no no! A lesson learned not once but twice. Third strike and our new nick name is 'jack ass'!

So for the past few months, karma, laid her vengeance on us. Besides a negative bank account, my most friendliest, lovable dog, Lucy, suffers from on-going bladder infections, developed 50 something bladder stones, some the size of marbles, and had to go under the knife to get them removed. Gia, my adorable 9 year old bitch, is needing a dental cleaning, like now, or she'll lose most of her teeth. Elie, my 3 year old rat terrier, needs a dental cleaning too. She's prone to getting plaque built-up and has to get her teeth cleaned at least twice a year. Did I mention dogs are like kids, they'll drain your bank account. Have that in mind if you should ever consider having pets or children. Last but not least, my oven, it decides to retire after 6 years of baking.

What do I have left in the after math of it all? A 'Well Spent' ( I keep telling myself) million dollar butt shot picture of my beautiful baby boy, which I will treasure for as long as I can. Envisioning that one day, he will demand for it to be taken down from, what I call, 'The Wall of Fame' to spare him from, what he calls 'The Wall of Shame".

Just a little Wiki insight on the subject:
Karma means "deed" or "act" and more broadly names the universal principle of cause and effect, action and reaction that governs all life.
According to some religions we produce Karma in four ways:
  • through thoughts
  • through words
  • through actions that we perform ourselves
  • through actions others do under our instructions
We are in position to do something about our destiny by doing the right thing at the right time. Through positive actions, pure thoughts, prayer, mantra and meditation, we can resolve the influence of the karma in present life and turn the destiny for the better. As humans, we have the opportunity to speed up our spiritual progress with practice of good Karma. We produce negative karma because we lack knowledge and clarity.(19)

Next time, before I fling that coffee pot into the sink, I'll will practice good karma through positive action and think pure thoughts. I will turn my destiny for the better by gaining knowledge and clarity and do the right thing at the right time. Money will never be an issue for me again. No matter how rich we become, it will never be worth more than having a healthy, beautiful family.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


It's SO DAMN HOT outside that I'm compelled to drill the husband about getting a swimming pool of our own by next summer. And all this talk about pools, such as, "I'm taking a dip in the pool!" "Gotta get the pool guy to come clean out our pool." "Come to our house for a pool party!" "We're only 139.59 miles away!", makes it extremely hard to resist. Let alone the drifting sounds that come from a yard with a pool. It's a little hard to ignore when the neighbors to my right, left, front and back have swimming pools. I can't resist every now and then to take a peek through the wooden fence. Just getting ideas for our future pool layout.

Anyway, it's not as if we haven't talked about getting a pool. That topic for discussion has been brought up once or twice at EVERY Southerners home while sipping on Long Island Ice Tea. Hell! I've talked about getting a pool since I was a kid! So I think it's about time that we get one!

But first things first. I need to get my 2 year old potty trained. I don't want to feel an unmistakable heat current flowing underneath me, and much less, a snickers bar floating around while we're swimming. It'd also be a good idea to get him started on some swimming lessons, too, just to ease the mind.
In the meantime I'll have to make do with what we have. And what we have is pretty damn bad. But it suites our needs and I'm thankful. I'm pretty sure my kids aren't missing anything, so that's good. To them, they're swimming in an Olympic size blow-up pool. I think of it as a mini cocktail pool. Just add cocktails!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I can't believe it's Tofu!!!

This ice cream is so orgasmicly yummylicious! Sex is over-rated when you can indulge in something so sinful and feel so guilt free! The flavor of choice is called Vanilla Almond Bark. I can't believe it's dairy free! Nor could I believe that the product is made with tofu, even though the product is made by (Tofu-tti).

I highly recommend that you take the first bite when there is ABSOLUTELY no distractions! How is this possible, you ask? Especially, if you have kids? Give some to your children in an ice cream cone and place them in some sort of restraint system, like a high chair and buckle them in. I guarantee they will settle down with their first lick!

It will have you wondering why ice cream was ever made with dairy in the first place! And those bits of Almond Bark, I'm assuming is what they are, will have you jumping up and down as though you were a kid again! My kids didn't know what to think of me. They seem to want to say, " OK, Mom, it's only ice cream!" But to me it is more than ice cream! It is DAIRY FREE ice cream! I can actually eat as much as I want of this stuff and never get fat!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Smells like Teen Trouble!

Uh Oh! I foresee myself in the near future unwantedly reacquainting myself with a disciplinarian! Unfortunately, this may very well mean that I haven't been spared after-all!

Mom, you still might have that chance you've been waiting for, to point your finger at me and laugh hysterically! Pay-back is a bitch!

All jokes aside. I really should have thought about not encouraging it either. I had my hand over my mouth the whole time so he wouldn't see me laugh! I swear!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Born Free!

My toddler can't keep his clothes on for more than an hour! I dress him from top to bottom every freakin' morning! Then, one by one, he removes an article of clothing until he feels as "free as a bird"!

I'm beginning to believe that the story of Adam and Eve, and the Garden of Eden, described in the book of Genesis, is true after all! We were meant to be naked and have no shame!
Thank God for photoshop!