Saturday, May 30, 2009

True Blood

Lately, I've come to terms with my hard core, hard to ignore , argumentative, temperamental behavior, and I'm not sure what to think of it. Hormonal change half way through a cycle, when the moon is nice and full, is when it all begins! All I can say is "the apple does not fall far from the tree". I have to thank my ancestors for this particular trait I inherited! And to make matters worse it comes from my ancestors from BOTH sides of the family!

On my mother side, my blessed Cuban grandfather, who I loved dearly. But who had an unpredictable temper that would knock you into the following day! He never laid a hand on us, never had to. All he had to do was look at us a certain way and unleash his rage!

My grandfather was an opinionated, stubborn individual. I never met a man like him. He was a hard working, sincere, and devoted human being in every aspect of his life until he became sick a few years before his death in 2008. He had so much passion when he spoke of stories from his childhood memories or a story that he simply wanted to share with us. It was difficult not to stay focused! Never mind the fact that if we didn't pay attention it may have easily provoked his temper to lash out! And we, my sister, my cousin and I, most certainly, did not want to unveil it! I assumed that he basically could not control his outbursts. I believe he acknowledge it and truly suffered from it. I'm sure of it! If he was capable of doing so, he would've been able to control his sudden outbursts during Sunday services at his church!

My grandfather also grasped the fact that he could not have a civilized conversation with anyone about a subject that he felt strongly about, whom may have had different views on the discussion. Undeniably, it would have lead into an argument! So, he took it to heart and expressed his feelings through "good old" pencil and paper and wrote. And so, I and whom he felt the need to express his gut wrenching feelings to, have a collection of his letters.

Now, for my father side of the family, I can only imagine what my Arab grandfather, born in New York and brought up in Honduras, was like. I only met him once or twice in my childhood days. And my first impression of him was, "mountain man". He lives all alone in a small house (love shack) on the outskirts of Tegucigalpa, up in the mountains. He is an astonishing man! Continues to excavate opals for a living, and among his trillion and one hobbies, are his ham radios. I remember looking at a variety of interesting things that surrounded him in his home. It was a bit of a blur. I basically could not keep focused on just one thing. I barely remember his face for that matter. Unmistakably, A.D.D. stems from WAY DOWN into the root!

My perception for why he lives up in the mountains ALONE is probably because he disliked for anyone to interfere in his work and his hobbies. One word comes to mind "control," no, two words "one way". I came up with this analogy by observing my father. And if it wasn't for my blessed mother, he too, would live all alone. No offense, Dad, I know, the truth hurts! The truth of the matter is, my father did not fall far from the tree, neither, and so I strongly believe that I inherited my "childish tantrums", one of the few cold blooded traits, from my blessed father! Thanks Dad! Although, I must say, I'm proud of who I've become and I'm fully aware of my argumentative and sometimes controlling behavior, especially when it comes to raising our children as vegetarians which gives me a head start! Step one in A.A. "Awareness"!

So, inevitably, I am conscious that my children may have also inherited this WONDERFUL trait. "True blood" is hard to deny. I'm aware that I must be cautious of my sudden outburst and hope that by self-control and by setting a good example, Mother Nature will be defeated!